My mom has been kidnapped!

It is difficult to describe the isolation that separates us from the real world - where most of our friends and family are. We survive by maintaining connections through technology- e-mail, phones, Skype, blogs, etc. But there is always that nagging awareness that we are so far from home that even a plane ticket can't really solve a problem should one come up.

And then there are times, like today, when technology fails us, the contact is broken, the isolation amplifies  and we are swept into a spiralling vortex of escalating panic and helpless, gripping, and completely irrational fear. It's not fun when it happens to me - but it was kind of funny when it happened to Kim this morning. Let me explain...

Shortly after we arrived at work this morning an instant message from Kim popped up on my computer screen:

Dear
{dramatic pause}
There is a problem with my iPhone


When Kim sends me a message that says Dear {dramatic pause} There is a problem with my iPhone - that is not really what she means. You have to be able to translate wife speak - which I am actually very good at. Before I translate Dear {dramatic pause} There is a problem with my iPhone for you, my loyal readers - I need to tell a story.

Several weeks ago, as I was about to begin another of my diets, I decided to take a "before" picture of my fat self. I thought it would be funny to take it with Kim's iPhone while wearing my grey Anthony Weiner boxer briefs. I got quite a chuckle out of it. Kim did not. Her iPhone is a corporate phone and she was convinced that my muffin top hanging over boxer brief picture was immediately intercepted by the corporate e-mail / phone / internet porno police. Our company does actually have a team of e-mail / phone / internet porno police by the way- but I was pretty confident this didn't qualify as porno. We agreed to disagree and dropped the subject.

Neither of us has mentioned this incident for weeks. Not since about 12 seconds after it happened. But, nonetheless, this morning when I read on my computer screen Dear {dramatic pause} There is a problem with my phone. I immediately knew that what she really meant was:

"I knew it! When you took that picture with my iPhone I knew I would get busted and now the corporate porno police have put some kind of secret surveillance software on it and the surveillance software has a glitch and now it is making my phone act funny! I knew it! I knew it! I just knew this was going to happen!"


In case you are wondering - this is not the "panic and fear" part of the story. I'm working towards that.

I remained calm and asked her about the nature of her iPhone problem. She explained, "well, I keep calling my mom and it rings once and then it answers and I can hear things in the background and I can hear her voice talking to other people- but she doesn't talk to me. When I call back it just keeps doing the same thing."

"Hmmmm..." I pondered. "Isn't it more likely that the problem is with her phone and not yours - since it is answering?" ...Unspoken by me, but fully understood by both of us -  I'm not sure how some kind of faulty corporate porno filter could create that scenario.


I went back to work - but didn't get far. Another round of instant messages...

Dear. I'm seriously worried. :)

I try to interpret this one. I'm stumped. Do I focus on the "seriously worried" part? Or the smiley face at the end part? My wife speak translator was struggling with this one. And then someone came into my office to do some real work and I decided the smiley face was the decider.

After a few minutes I looked up from my meeting and I could see Kim standing anxiously outside of my office and she looked seriously worried. Ooops. Wrong decider. I hastily shut down my conversation and invited Kim to come into my office. She plopped into the chair:

k- I'm worried that something is wrong.

b- Because you can't get ahold of you mom?

k- yes. I can hear voices in the background and I can hear her talking sometimes. But I don't recognize the voices and she wouldn't be around strange voices like that.

b- What does she say when you hear her talking? Does she sound like she is in trouble?

k - no. she said something about feta cheese. And I could hear kids voices and it sounded like she was talking to the kids about feta cheese and other things.

b- you mean like she is at the grocery store?

k - no. it doesn't sound like the grocery store.

b- Is it like "I'd like some feta cheese with that" like she is ordering something?

k- no. it's like she is struggling and straining and saying it.

b- like "arrrrrrgh. feta cheese".

k - no, not like a pirate ordering feta cheese.

b- what does it sound like then?

k - actually... it sounds like she is answering her phone in her pocket and trying to talk in code so that whoever the voices are won't know she answered her phone. I think she might be kidnapped or in trouble or something.

b - {pause. think carefully about what you say next...} ummm. Have you tried to call her back?

k- yes. it always rings once - and then she answers - and then she says something in code and I know I'm supposed to know the code but I'm so nervous right now that I can't figure it out.

b - like "feta cheese"

k- yes! or one time she said "little monster".

b- did you ever discuss code words with her? and did you agree that "feta cheese" and "little monster" were secret code words to fool kidnappers? {look concerned. be calming. don't ridicule. your wife needs you to calm her right now.}

k- I don't remember! I don't think so! Maybe. Oh God! Why won't she just answer the phone!!

b- {I'm losing her... talk her down... get control} Is she maybe at an office picnic? did she meet Joette for a drink? is she at the golf course?

k- No! No! No! She's not any of those places. I just know it. That's why I'm sure she is in trouble.

b- can you call your sister to see if she knows about any social events tonight?

k- No! Then she will panic too!

b - let's call her on my speaker phone

Kim pushed the buttons and was so flustered that she called some random number in North Carolina. I looked up the real number and she took a deep breath and dialled again... Just like she said, it rang exactly once and answered and I could hear voices. Just like Kim said. We listened closely for clues and our ears were pressed close to the speaker.

I focused on the voices and although I couldn't really understand exactly what they were saying - I decided that the voices sounded calm and measured and there wasn't any apparent distress or threat.  Kim reluctantly agreed that they sounded a lot like Fox 4 News at 5.

So I carefully weighed my next move. I thought about pressing and holding one of the numbers on my keypad and that would send the beeeeeeeeeep through to her phone and she might hear it. But, on the other hand, - it could also tip off her kidnappers that she had a hidden phone and then her only thread of contact, her only hope of being saved, would be cut off.

I weighed the risk for about .001 second and then held down one of the number keys.

It was working. I could hear rustling and fidgeting and Laurie said "what the ..."

Kim shouted into the phone "MOM! MOM! Answer me! Are you okay?!"

Laurie fumbled around with the phone and pressed some buttons causing the beep to ring out on our end and finally realized that we were on the line shouting at her.

Of course she was safe and we told her what had been happening.

We were able to work out that she got a new phone and it had been sitting on the counter somehow answering itself for the entire afternoon and letting all of us spy on her while she did her normal routine. When she heard the beeeeeeeep it was enough to get her to investigate.

Relieved and relaxed - Kim asked her if she was talking to someone about feta cheese?

l - no. I'm by myself. Nobody else here.

k- but I'm sure I heard you say 'feta cheese'?

l - nope. I haven't said a word since I got home at 4:00. Just me here, by myself.

k - that's strange

l- yes - it really is strange because I did spill some feta cheese on the floor awhile ago and had to clean it up.

b- {dramatic pause} were you maybe talking to yourself while you cleaned it up?

l - nope. I never said a word.

b- um hmm...

{finally - I've got some blog material for today. it's been awhile... }


we never did solve the 'little monster' mystery though...